My dream life

I'm doing Precision Nutrition (PN) coaching again.  I'm doing really well with the habits and the lessons, although I'm not doing well with the exercise.  Working on it.


Today's lesson started out by saying "imagine if you woke up tomorrow morning and all your dreams had come true.  What would your life look like?"  I started with the physical, being healthy-thin, energetic, etc, but then it occurred to me, that wasn't my dream life.  My dream life would include having a good husband to start with, and then children who would all be grown now, some married with children of their own.  I would be a grandma.  I would spoil my grandkids with cookies and treats and special days with just them and me.  I would want to be friends with my childrens' spouses, and I would be a good mother-in-law.  That was always Plan A.

Plan B had me as an Astronaut, or even an Astronomer.  I would have a night-as-day life, spending time on computers and then telescopes, or even getting in on spacecraft missions as an investigator.  By this time I would have been a Principal Investigator on something.  I might have been a professor at a university somewhere, or even a technical assistant like one of my friends (not sure what his actual job title is, but he doesn't have to teach classes and he still gets to work for the University of Iowa).

Plan C had me working as a Mission Planner, and then a Spacecraft Analyst.  I really enjoyed this.  Since it didn't work out for me to be an Astronomer or an Astronaut, I was happy with this compromise.  I didn't have to work too many mid-shifts, and I still got to assist NASA with satellite missions, which turned out to be way cooler than I could have expected.  I was on my way to becoming a Mission Operations Manager.  I was taking training and leadership courses, and I was even considering Systems Engineering courses provided by my workplace.

But I got derailed.  I did it to myself.  My desire to be with my family outweighed my desire to stay where I was in Maryland, working (indirectly) for NASA.  Now I'm here in California, where I can honestly say that the best part about being here is that I can see family whenever I want.  The second best thing is that I seem to fit in so well with my wards here (church congregations). The worst thing was that my cat was diagnosed with lymphoma (a type of cancer).  She's doing very well with the medication she's taking, but she doesn't want to take it anymore and I don't know what to do about that.  But my job?  I think I hate it.  I spend way too much time doing nothing, and when I do have something to do involves copious amounts of reading (which puts me to sleep) and I'm having trouble with comprehending all the nonsense-uh, I mean contract legal stuff.  I miss working with actual spacecraft.  I have put in a resume at JPL in Pasadena (which would be closer to my Dad if I moved there), but of course that's going to take a couple years.  Since my company moved me out here I have to stay here for 2 years, which I've done, so I don't have to pay them back, but because of the money I lost on my house I need to stay with APL for at least 3 more years which is when I'll have my loan from my 401K paid back.  Financially it's just been a mess--to be fair, if I'd stayed in MD it would still be a mess, but I'd be getting paid less - and I'd still have my house and my cat would be happy because I would still let her outside.  And I'd still have my Anakin kitty.  I think he's returning to a feral state because I didn't listen to my heart and give him to the family that knew him and cared for him. I gave him to my friend who is always gone and doesn't have time for a kitty that required a lot of personal time.  So again, that was my fault.

So I think I'm depressed.  I almost had a meltdown at work today because I was so frustrated.  We don't have an IT guy here, and the one guy who understood this stuff left (long story involving the new boss that's a complete jerk).  I can't get both my monitors hooked up to my laptop.  the docking station won't take cables from both monitors.  It makes me so frustrated I could scream.  I'm supposed to go to Target tonight (Valentine's Day chocolate is on sale) but I forgot my list at home.  I'm determined not to buy pizza from Dominoes this week, I've done that every week since the New Year.  The only thing I seem capable of is doing my PN Habit for this week: eat slowly.