Just a few thoughts

Yes I still need to do a post on my last trip to NYC.  But in the meantime, a couple things have happened that I would like to record.  This may be a little too personal but since usually only family reads my blog, I think that's ok.  You have been warned.

There was a shooting at my local mall last Saturday.  I was in VA at the time, and I don't know anyone that was there or who was hurt (or who was killed, there were three including the shooter).  While several of my friends have been frightened out of their minds I haven't really felt that strongly about it one way or another.  I'm not entirely sure why, but I have a few ideas.  Maybe I'm just jaded.

Then again, this is hardly the first shooting I've been even remotely close to.  In fact, my first was probably as close as one can get without being in the same room.  I was in grad school at the University of Iowa.  One of my fellow grad students got it into his head that he deserved a certain grant/fellowship thing, and since he didn't get it, he went on a shooting spree, killing two of my professors, a fellow grad student, a school official, and injuring another student who just happened to be in the way.  I was on the 6th floor of the Physics building when it happened on the 3rd and 2nd floors, and the next few days were kind of tense.  Lots of counseling, cancelling of classes, returning to the building in packs.  I suppose I just can't get worked up about something like this that happens remotely when I've been directly involved.  I am of course sad for the people who were involved.  If anything I do know what they're going through.

Second, the worst thing that could happen to me has already happened.  My Mom passed away 14 years ago this month.  I've been thinking about her a lot lately for some reason.  Probably because of the anniversary of her death, but also because I've started working on my long-held issues from my childhood, and that brings up a lot of yuck involving her.  Stuff I need to forgive or reframe and just move on.  Because really, by the end, we were friends.  We did lots of stuff together when I went home for visits.  Time to let go of the past, because after all, it is past.

So after reassuring various friends and family that I was nowhere near the shooting at the mall, I've basically just moved on.  Maybe I am jaded.

The second thing is that I've about had it with S&C.  These are my two friends that I go to the movies with about once a month, or go about DC visiting museums and things.  We met via internet message boards back in 2000, then met in person when a fellow friend from the message boards came to visit DC.  The other people involved in our group have moved or stopped participating so now it's just the three of us.  We're all in a similar situation, about the same age, single professionals with cats (S converted C and me), and we like a lot of the same things so it's good.  Every now and then, though, I get a little fed up with them.  Case in point was Saturday.  Typical get together for lunch and then a movie (sometimes we do movie then lunch depending on the movie times).  S told us all about her current woes (she does have a lot to deal with thanks to her being the only responsible person in her family, so we let her vent).  C talked a while about her stuff.  When I tried to tell what I'd been up to as soon as the opportunity presented itself they began talking about themselves again. Took the focus of the conversation back to them.  For some reason I thought they should be interested in what I've been doing. Silly me.  I turned the conversation to movies and tv shows that we watch and that was ok.  More even, anyway.

So we get to the theater, they do their normal bathroom run, and I got delayed before joining them.  They were talking constantly to each other, and didn't realize I'd joined them, but I thought for sure C would see me when we were washing our hands AT THE SAME TIME.  No, she let the door swing shut in my face.  That's when I started to lose it.  "Why did I bother to come?"  They did hear me ask that as they were about 30 feet in front of me, "we didn't know you were there" was the answer, but at no time did they pause their conversation long enough for me to participate or say anything.  So I was upset with them.  After the movie, I did want to use the restroom again but I knew if I did they would just abandon me there.  So I didn't, and we did have a nice talk about the movie, but then I had an hour drive home.  It's just too far for me to drive if they're going to just ignore me like that.  Or treat me as their audience, with nothing interesting to contribute.  So I'm taking a break from them.  Fortunately two of my Saturdays in February are already taken, I'm pretty sure I can avoid them for March, and the weekend in April they want to go to a SF convention in the area is Easter weekend when I'll be in Utah.  So I may not have to see them until May, and even then they had better plan on doing the driving.  I'm not going to drive all that way just to be ignored again.

I did express myself to them in an email, not nearly as brutally as here, but did want to let them know how I felt.  So they'll probably be thinking I'm being a drama queen because of this.  How dare I with all that S is going through right now?  Or even C?  Both of them have aging parents that are ill, so I need to cut them all the slack.  However, should I need some support from them I'm going to have to flash a neon sign or something.  Too much work.  I think I'm getting spoiled by my Visiting Teachers; they're both really good and supportive and our conversations are shared equally three ways.  I love my Visiting Teachers.  We were friends before, but this has somehow crystallized our relationship.

So there, rant ranted, vent vented.  I do actually feel better now.  I know, so selfish of me when so many of my friends are going through difficulties right now and I'm complaining about not getting enough attention.